The Canadian Prime Minister has announced their immediate resignation to pursue a life of peace on the serene mountains of Tibet. I’ve done enough for Canada. Now it’s time to find myself... and maybe a better outfit,” the PM said during a press conference, wearing a saffron robe and a surprisingly well-placed man bun. They assured the public that Canada would "continue running itself."

In a move no one saw coming (or wanted), Blockbuster Video has allegedly bought TikTok, sending shockwaves through the tech and nostalgia industries. The price of the deal? “A shocking $4.99, plus a coupon for a free popcorn bucket, with extra butter of course,” says the anonymous spokesperson. Blockbuster plans to rebrand TikTok with a retro aesthetic, dubbing the platform “BlockTok" in January.

In a move baffling citizens and horrifying conspiracy theorists, Americans across the nation have allegedly received letters assigning them a “Citizen Ranking” on a scale from 1 to 100. The ranking is based on an incomprehensible set of criteria, and while the government remains tight-lipped, leaked documents suggest this could be part of a massive social experiment called “Project Patriot Score.”

Sending shockwaves across the U.S., an undercover journalist claims to have discovered a top-secret government-backed social experiment designed to test the limits of American patience. Dubbed “Project Price Tag,” the initiative allegedly uses scenarios to see just how far people will go before they totally snap. The experiment is reportedly funded by government agencies and billionaires.

Chaos erupted along the sunny shores of Miami Beach as beachgoers were assaulted by glowing drones disguised as seagulls. These terrors have been diving in on unsuspecting bathers, snatching bikinis, and leaving a trail of embarrassment in their wake. While victims are demanding answers, officials remain shockingly indifferent, with one spokesperson saying, “It’s probably just China being funny."

Dubbed “The Golden Shower Scandal,” a prominent American female politician became the target of an shocking protest during a dinner at an exclusive Palm Beach restaurant. Armed with nothing but fury and a full bladder, an angry voter allegedly beelined for the politician’s table proceeding to douse her in his own, fresh urine, in what diners at first mistook for an avant-garde champagne pour.

Eyewitnesses say the CEO was “tied down with pantyliners” (an oddly symbolic fashion) and forced to face a “reminder of the suffering” he had caused to countless families. “It was a powerful statement,” one source said. “Not a single procedure was skipped. He got the full experience, from start to finish.” Each and every single angry consumer took turns with their turkey baster and left no crumbs.

France has officially demanded the return of the Statue of Liberty, claiming that the United States has failed to honor the original agreement made over 137 years ago. According to recently “unearthed” documents, France gifted the colossal statue under one condition: that America use it to transform New York City into “the most fabulous party town ever.” And, it has not.

In a decision that has left Washington, D.C., residents clutching their Starbucks cups in disbelief, Congress has announced the relocation of the US capital to Anchorage, Alaska. America's political heart is moving to the land of moose and bears. The move, dubbed “Operation Frosty Freedom,” is set to begin next year, and officials say it’s “a bold step toward decentralizing government power.”

In a twist that no one saw coming, Harvard University has announced that it will shutter its classrooms indefinitely, citing "low enrollment" and a “cultural shift away from being annoyingly overqualified.” Students who once dreamed of sipping coffee in Harvard Yard have been priced out by the university’s on-campus cafés, where a single oat milk latte now costs $100 and it’s not even organic.

Florida has passed an emergency law banning pornography, citing “moral decay” to protect American “family values.” The law, titled “The Wipe My Screen & Keyboard Clean Act,” has sparked outrage and confusion. However, critics are questioning the sudden pivot to Puritanism, especially given the state’s colorful political history of porking prostitutes. What’s next? Banning bikinis on South Beach?

In what experts are calling the most bizarre land deal in history, the US has reportedly purchased Greenland for a staggering $1 trillion in Bitcoin and a $25 McDonald’s gift card. The historic deal was reportedly negotiated in a secret meeting between US officials and the Danish government inside a heated igloo underneath Greenland’s icy tundra. Some are calling it the most American thing ever.

In a revelation that has left both internet users and conspiracy theorists scratching their heads, a leaked report suggests that public relations (PR) firms may not just be incompetent but actively working against the American public. A recent Harvard study found that 78% of PR "pros" think the public enjoys being condescended to. If you see a PR team lurking near your favorite brand, steer clear.

The US has reportedly dismantled the Panama Canal and airlifted it piece by piece back to American soil. Officials say the audacious operation, code-named “Operation Canal Grab,” was carried out under the cover of darkness using a fleet of giant helicopters borrowed from Elon Musk’s secret SpaceX inventory. “We built it; we’re taking it back,” announced Secretary of Infrastructure Bobby Biggs.

Mexico has become the epicenter of a taco mystery. Reports are flooding in from tourists and locals claiming that a taco vendor is serving up more than just delicious food—he’s dishing out hallucinations. The chaos began when an American tourist, Trevor Williams, posted a TikTok video from a street taco stand in Tijuana. In the now-viral video, he took one bite and immediately began screaming.

In a shocking twist that has left Canadians sipping their Tim Hortons in disbelief, a leaked document from an unnamed "global superpower" claims that Canada is set to become part of the United States by the end of the year. The alleged plan, dubbed "Operation Maple Merge," has sparked mass hysteria, laughter, and some very polite protests on both sides of the border.

In a headline ripped straight from a horror movie, Miami residents were sent into a frenzy after reports of “zombie alligators” roaming the beaches began flooding social media. The phenomenon, which locals have dubbed Gatorgeddon, has left authorities baffled, tourists terrified, and Floridians... mildly amused. Some believe the gators are feasting on meth-laced water from a drug dump gone wrong.

NYC, the city that never sleeps, is now the city that never stops screaming. Massive rats have taken over subways. These rodent overlords have started wearing tiny cowboy hats. Subway riders are terrified as the rats appear to be getting bolder. Videos show them riding escalators and attempting to swipe MetroCards. One clip shows a rat in a chef’s hat, stirring marinara sauce on the 1 train.

In a turn of events that sounds like the plot of a sci-fi movie, California is under siege by an unknown glowing fog. From San Francisco to Los Angeles, residents woke up to streets bathed in an eerie green light, prompting some wild conspiracy theories. In true LA fashion, yoga studios are offering “fog detox classes,” and avocado toast recipes now include glow-in-the-dark garnishes.

The number one thing people are searching isn’t groundbreaking science or global news. It’s moldy, old cheese. Experts believe this speaks to a collective fear of wasting food, but conspiracy theorists have a different take. “Big Cheese is tracking these searches to sell us more expensive ‘organic’ blocks. It’s all part of the lactose lobby’s plan to control our minds—and our bowels.”