France Demands Return of Statue of Liberty—Claims America Broke Its Promise
In a shocking international twist, France has officially demanded the return of the Statue of Liberty, claiming that the United States has failed to honor the original agreement made over 137 years ago. According to recently “unearthed” documents, France gifted the colossal statue under one condition: that America use it to transform New York City into “the most fabulous party town ever.”
Now, French officials say America has failed to live up to its end of the deal, citing “a disturbing lack of red paint, cabarets, and joie de vivre.”
"France Wants Its Lady Back"
French President Amélie Baguette held a press conference this morning, flanked by artists, historians, and a suspiciously large stack of baguettes. “We gave America the Statue of Liberty as a symbol of freedom, friendship, and a guaranteed good time,” she declared. “Instead, what do we see? A green statue that just stands there like a tired mime, overlooking a city full of overpriced hot dogs. C’est une honte!”
The president went on to accuse America of “totally missing the point” of the statue’s torch, which, she claims, was intended to double as a disco ball.
"The Real Terms of the Gift"
Previously secret French documents, now made public, reveal the terms of the original Statue of Liberty agreement:
The Statue Must Be Painted Glitter Red: France allegedly wanted the statue to represent the phrase “paint the town red,” signifying a commitment to nightlife, artistry, and questionable life choices.
Weekly Cabaret Shows: The statue’s pedestal was supposed to host weekly performances of can-can dancing and experimental jazz.
Unlimited Croissants: New York City was to establish a 24/7 croissant distribution program as a nod to French culinary superiority.
France claims that while the croissant plan was implemented (see: Starbucks), the rest was ignored.
France Demands Return of Statue of Liberty—Claims America Broke Its Promise
"America Responds"
The U.S. government has dismissed France’s claims, calling them “historical revisionism with a side of drama.” White House Press Secretary Janet Torchington responded with a fiery retort. “The Statue of Liberty is a beloved American icon. If France wanted a nightclub, they should’ve sent a DJ, not a 151-foot-tall monument.”
New Yorkers, however, are taking the threat more seriously. “They’re really gonna take her back?” asked one distraught Staten Island ferry rider. “What’s next? Canada demands Niagara Falls because we don’t use it as a water slide?”
"Paris Plans a Grand Return"
French officials have already unveiled ambitious plans for the Statue of Liberty’s return. The statue, they say, will be renamed “La Reine de Fête” (The Party Queen) and placed at the center of a new “Liberty Rave Park” along the Seine River.
Plans include:
Torch Conversion: The torch will be retrofitted to shoot laser beams and confetti.
Interactive Features: Visitors can climb the statue and slide down a giant champagne bottle cork into a ball pit.
Red Paint Initiative: The statue will finally be painted a vibrant red, with glitter accents.
“Liberty was always meant to be fabulous,” said French Minister of Vibes Pierre Lumière.
"A Statue Divided"
The public reaction in both countries has been mixed.
@LadyLibertyFan99: “You can’t just take her back! She’s OUR lady now. Besides, who even likes red statues?!”
@FrenchPrideForever: “America had 137 years and did NOTHING. Time to bring her home where she can slay, bébé.”
@NYHotDogKing: “As long as they don’t touch my cart, we’re cool.”
"What’s Next?"
The dispute is set to escalate, with French officials threatening to send a fleet of wine-fueled yachts to retrieve the statue if the U.S. refuses to comply. Meanwhile, New Yorkers have begun organizing protests, chanting, “She’s ours, baguette off!”
As the drama unfolds, one thing is clear: this tug-of-war over Lady Liberty is a symbol of deeper tensions between two nations that just can’t seem to agree on what freedom—and a good time—really looks like.
Stay tuned for updates, and remember: if you see the statue being towed down the Hudson, start practicing your French.
Legal Disclaimer: The contents of this article are entirely fictional and for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events, people, entities, or absurdly outdated laws is purely coincidental—or, at best, a reflection of the author's well-developed sense of irony. By reading this, you implicitly agree to forfeit all rights to common sense and logic in interpreting this article.