Glowing Seagull Drones Terrorize Beachgoers by Snatching Off Bikinis—U.S. Officials Shrug, “Classic China!”
Miami Beach, FL—Chaos erupted this weekend along the sunny shores of Malibu as beachgoers were assaulted by a bizarre new phenomenon: glowing drones disguised as seagulls. These high-tech terrors have been dive-bombing unsuspecting bathers, snatching bikinis, and leaving a trail of confusion and embarrassment in their wake. While victims are demanding answers, officials remain shockingly indifferent, with one spokesperson saying, “It’s probably just China being hilarious again. We’ve got bigger problems, like potholes.”
“The Attack of the Neon Flock”
It all started on Saturday afternoon when lifelong beach-goer Mandy Swells noticed something odd.
“I thought, ‘Wow, those seagulls are extra sparkly today,’” Swells recounted, still clutching her towel in horror. “Next thing I know, one of them swooped down, ripped off my bikini top, and flew away like it had won the lottery!”
Other witnesses described the glowing gulls as eerily coordinated. “They weren’t squawking or anything—they were silent, like creepy little bird ninjas,” said surfer Chad Brody of Miami Beach. “One of them stole my board shorts. I’m still traumatized.”
“Is This a National Security Threat?”
Local authorities initially dismissed the reports as a prank, but video evidence soon surfaced on TikTok, showing flocks of luminous “seagulls” zipping around with precision that no ordinary bird could muster.
Experts quickly identified the culprits as drones, but their origin remains a mystery. “The way they glow? That’s some next-level tech,” said Dr. Gale Ornithon, a drone specialist. “And the bikini-snatching? That’s psychological warfare. It’s genius, really.”
Despite mounting public concern, federal officials remain nonchalant. “We’ve seen this before—China loves their pranks,” said one anonymous insider. “Remember when they sent that spy balloon? This is just their way of saying, ‘Lighten up, America.’”
Glowing Seagull Drones Terrorize Beachgoers by Snatching Off Bikinis—U.S. Officials Shrug, “Classic China!”
“Beachgoers Left Exposed and Furious”
The drones have left a trail of humiliated victims and disrupted beach vibes. Vendors are reporting a surge in sales of full-body wetsuits and aluminum foil hats. Meanwhile, a coalition of angry beachgoers has filed a class-action lawsuit against “whoever is responsible.”
“I didn’t come to the beach to be turned into a viral meme,” said 74-year-old Betty Plank, whose swimsuit was taken mid-backstroke. “This is an invasion of privacy and my dignity!”
Some conspiracy theorists, however, believe the attacks are a government plot to discourage outdoor activities. “First it’s the bikini-snatching drones,” said YouTuber Dirk Flame in his latest video, The Gulls Are Watching. “Next, they’ll steal our sunscreen! Wake up, sheeple!”
“Officials Remain Indifferent”
Despite public outrage, authorities have taken a laid-back approach. “Honestly, the beaches are cleaner now—fewer people want to show up,” said the Miami Beach mayor at a press conference while sipping a spicy margarita. “Plus, it’s kinda funny. Did you see that video of the guy running after the drone in his boxers? Classic!”
The Pentagon has yet to comment officially, but insiders suggest they have no plans to investigate. “If it’s China, let them have their fun,” one source said. ‘It’s better than another TikTok ban hearing.’”
“What’s Next for Our Beaches?”
For now, beachgoers are advised to remain cautious, keep a spare outfit on hand, and consider sunscreen with built-in drone repellent (patent pending). Meanwhile, speculation grows about the glowing gulls’ true purpose.
Are they a harmless prank? A test run for future aerial bikini raids? Or the beginning of a dystopian future where beaches are policed by glowing, judgmental bird-bots?
One thing’s for sure: if you’re planning a beach day, hold onto your swimsuit—literally. And if you hear a faint buzzing sound overhead, it’s probably not the ice cream truck. Run.
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