The Canadian Prime Minister has announced their immediate resignation to pursue a life of peace on the serene mountains of Tibet. I’ve done enough for Canada. Now it’s time to find myself... and maybe a better outfit,” the PM said during a press conference, wearing a saffron robe and a surprisingly well-placed man bun. They assured the public that Canada would "continue running itself."

In a move no one saw coming (or wanted), Blockbuster Video has allegedly bought TikTok, sending shockwaves through the tech and nostalgia industries. The price of the deal? “A shocking $4.99, plus a coupon for a free popcorn bucket, with extra butter of course,” says the anonymous spokesperson. Blockbuster plans to rebrand TikTok with a retro aesthetic, dubbing the platform “BlockTok" in January.

In a move baffling citizens and horrifying conspiracy theorists, Americans across the nation have allegedly received letters assigning them a “Citizen Ranking” on a scale from 1 to 100. The ranking is based on an incomprehensible set of criteria, and while the government remains tight-lipped, leaked documents suggest this could be part of a massive social experiment called “Project Patriot Score.”

Sending shockwaves across the U.S., an undercover journalist claims to have discovered a top-secret government-backed social experiment designed to test the limits of American patience. Dubbed “Project Price Tag,” the initiative allegedly uses scenarios to see just how far people will go before they totally snap. The experiment is reportedly funded by government agencies and billionaires.

Chaos erupted along the sunny shores of Miami Beach as beachgoers were assaulted by glowing drones disguised as seagulls. These terrors have been diving in on unsuspecting bathers, snatching bikinis, and leaving a trail of embarrassment in their wake. While victims are demanding answers, officials remain shockingly indifferent, with one spokesperson saying, “It’s probably just China being funny."

Dubbed “The Golden Shower Scandal,” a prominent American female politician became the target of an shocking protest during a dinner at an exclusive Palm Beach restaurant. Armed with nothing but fury and a full bladder, an angry voter allegedly beelined for the politician’s table proceeding to douse her in his own, fresh urine, in what diners at first mistook for an avant-garde champagne pour.