Blockbuster Video Buys TikTok in Shocking $4.99 Deal, Promises to Rename the App “BlockTok”
Los Angeles, CA — In a move no one saw coming (or wanted), Blockbuster Video has allegedly bought TikTok, sending shockwaves through the tech and nostalgia industries. The price of the deal? “A shocking $4.99, plus a coupon for a free popcorn bucket, with extra butter of course,” says the anonymous spokesperson.
“We’re Bringing the 90s Back... Again”
Blockbuster, the once-mighty rental giant that collapsed under the weight of streaming services and DVDs, is now attempting to claw its way back to relevance by taking over the world’s most popular social media app. The company, which currently has one operational store in Bend, Oregon, issued a statement:
“We’ve been waiting for our moment to shine. TikTok’s algorithms are cool and all, but what about algorithms that remind you when you’re three days late returning Forrest Gump? This is the future of technology.”
What’s Changing?
Blockbuster plans to rebrand TikTok with a retro aesthetic, dubbing the platform “BlockTik.” The company has already outlined changes to the app, including:
Video “Late Fees”: Videos that aren’t liked or shared within 48 hours will come with a warning and, inexplicably, a $3 late fee.
“Rewind to Watch” Feature: Users must manually rewind every video before moving to the next one by dragging their fingers backward on the screen.
Staff Picks Section: A curated feed of videos selected by Blockbuster employees, featuring clips of people trying to untangle cassette tapes and reenactments of awkward middle school dance memories.
Blockbuster Video Buys TikTok in Shocking $4.99 Deal, Promises to Rename the App “Blocktik”
Why TikTok?
According to Blockbuster CEO (and probably their only employee) Doug Crandall, TikTok represents “the youth market we need to connect with.” Crandall explained:
“These kids are obsessed with short videos. In the 90s, we had our own version—trailers on VHS tapes! It’s basically the same thing. They’ll love it.”
Will Users Stay?
Early reactions to the acquisition have been... mixed. TikTok influencer @DancingBananaMan (3.2 million followers) posted: “What even IS Blockbuster? Is that like a Minecraft server or something?”
Others, however, are embracing the change. “I miss late fees. They added drama to my life,” said one user in a comment section flooded with crying emojis.
A New Rivalry
Netflix, which famously contributed to Blockbuster’s demise, issued a snarky statement in response: “Welcome to the future, Blockbuster. Too bad it’s 20 years late.”
But Blockbuster clapped back, posting a TikTok (sorry, BlockTik) video featuring their mascot—an anthropomorphic VHS tape—tearing up a Netflix subscription.
Why $4.99?
Analysts are baffled by the low price of the acquisition, with many speculating that TikTok’s parent company simply wanted the brand off its hands after realizing Blockbuster’s only capital was a jar of pennies found behind a dusty “Beetlejuice” VHS.
Insiders claim TikTok’s creators sold it just to see what would happen. “It’s like giving your kid the family car and saying, ‘Good luck!’” said one anonymous source.
What’s Next?
Blockbuster has ambitious plans for the platform, including integrating physical VHS rental services directly into the app. Users will soon be able to select their favorite TikTok videos and have them delivered to their homes on VHS tapes, which must be returned within five days to avoid fees.
As for Blockbuster’s long-term goals? “We’re not just bringing Blockbuster back,” Crandall declared at the press conference. “We’re bringing the past back... and charging you for it.”
Will this nostalgia-fueled gamble pay off? Only time (and rewind fees) will tell.
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