U.S. Allegedly Launches Random “Citizen Ranking Scale” Scores From 1 to 100 Straight to Your Mailbox
In a move baffling citizens and horrifying conspiracy theorists, Americans across the nation have started receiving mysterious letters assigning them a “Citizen Ranking” on a scale from 1 to 100.
The ranking appears to be based on an incomprehensible set of criteria, and while the government remains tight-lipped about its purpose, leaked documents suggest this could be part of a massive social experiment called “Project Patriot Score.”
According to the unconfirmed reports, the experiment aims to gauge how far people are willing to go to improve their mysterious score—and what they’ll do to sabotage others.
“What Is the U.S. Citizen Ranking System?”
The letters, delivered in official-looking envelopes marked with the ominous phrase, “For Your Eyes Only,” feature nothing but the recipient’s name, address, and their numerical ranking. There’s no explanation or guidance, just a single line at the bottom: “Rank subject to change based on behavior, purchases, and public opinion.”
“Oh, it’s a game changer, alright,” said 52-year-old Ohio resident Linda Greaves, who was horrified to discover she ranked 38 out of 100. “I haven’t felt this judged since middle school.”
Meanwhile, her neighbor, 23-year-old Derek Cooper, received a 95 and is reportedly basking in newfound popularity. “I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but people are buying me coffee and giving me high-fives at the grocery store. This ranking thing rules!”
“How Is It Decided?”
No one knows exactly how the scores are calculated, but theories range from online shopping habits to how loudly you clap at patriotic parades. Some believe it’s tied to the amount of bacon you eat on the Fourth of July, while others claim it’s connected to your willingness to post pro-government memes on Facebook.
“I tried calling the number on the letter for answers,” said frustrated mom-of-three Karen Lintel. “All I got was a pre-recorded message saying, ‘Keep trying harder.’ What does that even mean?!”
U.S. Allegedly Launches Random “Citizen Ranking Scale” Scores From 1 to 100 Straight to Your Mailbox
“The Fallout Begins”
The Citizen Ranking system is already wreaking havoc on American society. In some neighborhoods, people with high scores are lording their superiority over others, while those with low rankings are reportedly being shunned at block parties.
“I saw my neighbor’s ranking, and now I refuse to lend him my lawnmower,” said one anonymous resident of Des Moines, Iowa. “If you’re a 27, you’re clearly not lawnmower-worthy.”
Even worse, some employers are allegedly using rankings to make hiring decisions. “I was the perfect candidate for the job, but they told me they couldn’t hire anyone under a 50,” complained 42-year-old Alex Martin. “How am I supposed to fix this? Am I supposed to start volunteering or something?”
“The Darker Side”
Experts warn that the experiment could have unintended consequences. “This is essentially social credit by stealth,” said Dr. Eleanor Cline, a sociologist. “People are already turning against each other. It’s only a matter of time before we see ranking sabotage.”
Indeed, there are rumors of a black market emerging where people can buy “ranking boosts” by doing questionable tasks, such as writing fake Yelp reviews for government-funded bakeries or reporting jaywalking neighbors.?”
“Why Is This Happening?”
The government remains officially silent, but insiders claim Project Patriot Score is a psychological test designed to measure obedience, competitiveness, and how fast Americans will spiral into chaos.
“It’s like The Hunger Games meets Yelp,” said one whistleblower. “They’re testing how society responds when given a number with no meaning. And guess what? We’re failing.”
“What Can You Do?”
For now, Americans are left guessing how to improve their scores—or whether they should even care. Grassroots movements like “Rank-Free America” are popping up, encouraging people to burn their letters and refuse to play along.
But for others, the ranking system has become an obsession. “I used to spend my nights scrolling Instagram,” said 29-year-old influencer Mia Carter. “Now, I’m trying to figure out why I dropped from a 72 to a 68 after I ordered sushi on DoorDash. What does sushi have to do with patriotism?!”
“The Verdict”
As the experiment continues, one thing is clear: the Citizen Ranking system has America on edge. Whether it’s a test of loyalty, a government prank, or just an elaborate distraction from something worse, we may never know.
In the meantime, if you’re a 90 or above, enjoy your newfound celebrity. But if you’re a 10? Maybe stay indoors.
Legal Disclaimer: The contents of this article are entirely fictional and for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events, people, entities, or absurdly outdated laws is purely coincidental—or, at best, a reflection of the author's well-developed sense of irony. By reading this, you implicitly agree to forfeit all rights to common sense and logic in interpreting this article.