Harvard Shuts Its Doors Forever: Low Enrollment Blamed on TikTok ‘Degree-Free’ Movement and $100 Coffee
In a twist that no one—except maybe the internet—saw coming, Harvard University has announced that it will shutter its classrooms indefinitely, citing "catastrophically low enrollment" and a “cultural shift away from being annoyingly overqualified.”
The announcement, made at a tearful press conference by Harvard President Claudine Credibility (yes, that’s her real name), has sent shockwaves through academia. “It turns out,” she sobbed, “people don’t want to take out a second mortgage for a piece of paper anymore.”
"Blame It on TikTok and $100 Lattes"
Experts point to a growing cultural shift led by TikTok influencers who promote “degree-free living.” Videos with hashtags like #SkipSchoolGetRich and #IYKYKLifeHacks have racked up billions of views, showcasing self-made millionaires claiming their wealth came not from a Harvard MBA, but from day trading crypto or opening an Etsy shop selling ironic birdhouses.
One influencer, @DegreeDeezNutz, went viral with a 60-second rant filmed in a Lamborghini. “Why spend $300K on a Harvard degree,” he shouted over the car’s roaring engine, “when you can spend $50 on my online course about flipping Pokémon cards?”
Meanwhile, students who once dreamed of sipping coffee in Harvard Yard have been priced out by the university’s on-campus cafés, where a single oat milk latte now costs $100. “It’s not even organic!” complained one former applicant.
"Courses Nobody Wanted to Take Anyway"
Insiders say another factor was Harvard’s insistence on offering increasingly niche courses that failed to capture student interest. Recent additions like Advanced Theories in Garden Gnome Philosophy and The Economics of Unicorn Farming were poorly attended, even though professors swore they were "cutting edge."
“I just don’t see how ‘Renaissance Memes and Their Modern Relevance’ is going to help me pay off six figures of student loans,” said one disillusioned sophomore.
Harvard Shuts Its Doors Forever: Low Enrollment Blamed on TikTok ‘Degree-Free’ Movement and $100 Coffee
"Empty Lecture Halls, Full Bank Accounts"
With enrollment numbers plummeting, Harvard’s once-bustling lecture halls now sit eerily empty. In an ironic twist, the university's decline coincided with its alumni reaching new peaks of wealth—because they’re all now teaching their own $20,000 online masterminds about “how to win at life without a degree.”
“I made my first million after dropping out,” boasted one former student, now CEO of a startup that sells vegan water. “So I guess Harvard taught me what NOT to do.”
"Harvard’s Plan B: Streaming Service?"
In a desperate attempt to stay relevant, Harvard has announced plans to pivot to a subscription-based model. The new platform, Harvard+, will offer prerecorded lectures and behind-the-scenes campus tours narrated by disgruntled professors.
“I never thought I’d be competing with Netflix,” said Dr. Imogen Ivory, professor of 17th-century Danish literature. “But here we are. At least my lectures are still ad-free.”
"The Elite React"
The closure has left the Ivy League community in a state of existential crisis. Rival schools like Yale and Princeton have issued statements expressing sympathy, while quietly raising their tuition in case they’re next.
“I mean, what’s even the point of being rich if I can’t tell people I went to Harvard?” wailed one hedge fund manager, clutching a stack of unused business cards.
Meanwhile, parents across America are celebrating the news. “No more having to pretend we could afford that place,” one relieved dad tweeted. “Looks like little Jimmy’s community college dreams just got a lot more respectable.”
"Is This the End of Prestige?"
As Harvard closes its doors, the question remains: is this the death knell for higher education as we know it? Or just another chapter in America’s long-running saga of loving underdogs and rejecting overpriced status symbols?
For now, one thing is certain: TikTokers everywhere are already making memes about the “Harvard of the past,” and oat milk latte sales have mysteriously doubled in Cambridge. Stay tuned, America.
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