New AI Dating App Accidentally Matches Politicians With Lobbyists, Chaos Ensues
In a tech glitch more scandalous than a reality show plot twist, a brand-new AI dating app designed to connect "ambitious singles" accidentally went live with a beta program that exclusively matched U.S. politicians with corporate lobbyists.
The app, aptly named "PowerSwipe", promised to revolutionize the dating scene by pairing users based on their professional goals, personal interests, and "financial compatibility." Instead, it unveiled a dystopian dating drama that has social media—and Congress—spiraling out of control.
“We Just Wanted Better Matches”
PowerSwipe’s CEO, Lana Altman, held a tense press conference after screenshots of matches leaked online. “Our algorithm wasn’t supposed to prioritize campaign donor data,” she admitted, visibly sweating. “It was meant to connect like-minded professionals. Unfortunately, the system got...too good at understanding how politics works.”
Among the leaked matches:
A senator known for opposing climate regulations paired with the CEO of a coal company.
A representative advocating for student loan forgiveness matched with a private university’s debt collections officer.
A governor whose state banned plastic straws matched with an executive at Big Plastic.
One particularly salacious pairing featured a lawmaker promoting AI regulation matched with an AI company founder. Their match bio? "Together, we can outsmart the system.”
Capitol Hill’s Love Triangle
As news of the app spread, it was revealed that some of these "matches" had escalated into actual rendezvous, dinners, and one now-infamous karaoke night in D.C. Insiders report heated arguments breaking out between lawmakers over who got matched with the "better lobbyists."
One senator, anonymously quoted, complained: “How did THEY get paired with Big Pharma? I’ve been courting them for years!”
New AI Dating App Accidentally Matches Politicians With Lobbyists, Chaos Ensues
The Public’s Reaction
The public has responded with a mix of horror and hysterics. Twitter exploded with memes, including:
A photo of a politician on a dinner date captioned, “Swiped right for deregulation.”
A picture of burning money with the tagline: “When love costs taxpayers $2 billion.”
The viral hashtag #LobbyLovin.
TikTok creators have reenacted fake PowerSwipe profiles, with bios like “Here to wine, dine, and privatize utilities.”
Ethics on the Line
Ethics committees in Washington are scrambling to investigate the fallout, though many are overwhelmed trying to figure out how to handle what one staffer called “a Tinder-powered lobbying free-for-all.”
“This is why we need regulation for tech and AI,” said Senator Jane Grayson, who ironically was caught messaging her PowerSwipe match, the head of a data-mining company.
A “Conspiracy” Too Wild to Ignore
The scandal has also fueled conspiracy theorists, with claims that PowerSwipe is secretly run by corporate interests to directly influence policymaking through romance. One viral blog post suggested the app was the first step in creating genetically engineered "corporate-politician hybrids."
Alex Jones wasted no time, broadcasting, “The love bots are coming, and they want your votes!”
What’s Next for PowerSwipe?
Despite the backlash, PowerSwipe’s downloads have skyrocketed, with curious users eager to see if they, too, can snag a high-powered match. Lana Altman insists the app’s flaws will be fixed soon, though rumors swirl that a premium tier offering direct access to politicians may already be in the works.
Meanwhile, several lawmakers have reportedly kept using the app, claiming it’s “strictly for research.”
As Congress debates the fallout, one thing is clear: America may have just reached peak absurdity. In the words of one pundit, “If democracy dies in darkness, at least it’s swiping right on the way out.”
Legal Disclaimer: The contents of this article are entirely fictional and for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events, people, entities, or absurdly outdated laws is purely coincidental—or, at best, a reflection of the author's well-developed sense of irony. By reading this, you implicitly agree to forfeit all rights to common sense and logic in interpreting this article.