Massachusetts Town Implements “Invisible Traffic Lights” to Combat Reckless Driving, Causes Chaos
In a bold and baffling experiment to address reckless driving, the small town of Brightwaters, Massachusetts, has implemented invisible traffic lights—yes, invisible—as part of their “Vision Zero” traffic safety initiative. Officials claim the move forces drivers to “listen to their inner moral compass” instead of relying on pesky visual signals.
Unsurprisingly, the results have been catastrophic. Within 24 hours of unveiling the new system, dubbed “Trust Your Gut Intersection Management,” the town recorded 58 accidents, 112 traffic citations, and one driver inexplicably stranded in a tree. Witnesses described the intersections as “Mad Max meets Mario Kart.”
“We wanted to make traffic safety intuitive,” explained Mayor Delores Winkler, during a press conference held in what remained of the town’s courthouse after a semi barreled through the front doors. “It’s about fostering mindfulness. Drivers shouldn’t need a green light to know it’s their turn.”
Critics, however, are fuming. Brightwater residents have taken to social media with the hashtag #InvisibleWrecks to document the carnage, posting videos of 15-car pileups and pedestrians tiptoeing across streets like they’re in The Hunger Games.
Local resident Mark Jenkins wasn’t amused when his Prius was T-boned by a food truck. “I’m all for innovation,” he said, “but I didn’t sign up to play Frogger with my life.”
Even more absurdly, town officials doubled down after the backlash, claiming the invisible lights had an additional purpose: reducing carbon emissions. “No one can speed if they’re too afraid to move,” reasoned Public Works Director Karen Blithe.
Massachusetts Town Implements “Invisible Traffic Lights” to Combat Reckless Driving, Causes Chaos
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists are calling the move a secret population control tactic. “First 5G towers, now this?” said one anonymous Brightwaters resident on a QAnon forum. “The government doesn’t want us alive, but they sure want us confused.”
As the chaos unfolds, local officials remain unfazed. “Every revolutionary idea has growing pains,” Mayor Winkler assured reporters, moments before dodging a rogue unicycle that had careened through the intersection.
Brightwaters’ invisible traffic lights are scheduled to remain in place for another six months—or until the town officially declares martial law.
Editor’s Note: The city council is rumored to be considering an equally baffling follow-up project: soundless sirens for emergency vehicles, based on the principle that “emergencies don’t have to be loud to be urgent.” Stay tuned for updates.
Citizens Weigh In: From Despair to Digital Bliss?
Not everyone is buying into the “Selfie Safety Net.” While many residents of urban areas are excited to participate, rural communities are more skeptical, with some even claiming that the initiative is “out of touch.”
“I don’t need a selfie to get my car fixed,” said Jack Harper, a farmer from Iowa, furiously scrolling through his phone to see if his tractor would get him more likes than his neighbor’s cow. “I need a damn mechanic.”
Legal Disclaimer: The contents of this article are entirely fictional and for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events, people, entities, or absurdly outdated laws is purely coincidental—or, at best, a reflection of the author's well-developed sense of irony. By reading this, you implicitly agree to forfeit all rights to common sense and logic in interpreting this article.