Florida Man Declares Himself King Ricky of Abandoned Walmart, Names Shopping Cart His Royal Advisor
In yet another chapter of “only in Florida,” a local man has taken squatter’s rights to a whole new level. When authorities arrived at an abandoned Walmart in Pensacola this week, they discovered 38-year-old Rick “Ricky” McGubbins sitting atop a throne made entirely of stacked pallets, wearing a crown crafted from aluminum foil and soda can tabs.
“I hereby declare this land the sovereign Kingdom of Walliemartia!” Ricky proclaimed to bewildered officers as they entered the store. Beside him stood a heavily duct-taped shopping cart with googly eyes and a paper crown, which he referred to as his “Royal Advisor, Sir Cartington the Wise.”
The Rise of King Ricky
According to local reports, Ricky moved into the empty Walmart two weeks ago, claiming he was “tired of society’s rules” and wanted to “live off the land, or at least what’s left in the discount bins.” He has reportedly barricaded himself in the electronics section and fashioned a makeshift moat using melted ice cream from an old freezer aisle.
“I’m not bothering anyone,” Ricky said in an exclusive interview. “I’m just trying to rebuild civilization, one Walmart rollback at a time. We’re open to new citizens, but you must swear fealty to Sir Cartington first.”
Florida Man Declares Himself King Ricky of Abandoned Walmart
A Unique Legal Defense
When local police attempted to remove Ricky from his kingdom, he presented them with a handwritten “Royal Decree” on a paper towel, claiming diplomatic immunity because he was now a monarch. “You can’t arrest a king,” he argued. “It’s in the Constitution—or at least on the back of a cereal box I read once.”
Ricky’s lawyer, who reluctantly took the case after being paid in expired beef jerky, plans to argue that the man was exercising his “right to pursue happiness.”
Local Reactions
The story has gone viral on social media, with hashtags like #KingOfWalmart and #SirCartington trending. One TikTok video shows Ricky giving a “State of the Kingdom” address to a group of confused teenagers who wandered in for selfies.
“We’ve got an economy,” Ricky told them. “Our currency is Pop-Tarts, and taxes are due in the form of unused gift cards.”
Despite the absurdity, some locals have rallied around the self-proclaimed king. “Honestly, it’s the most organized Walmart has been in years,” one resident joked.
Legal Disclaimer: The contents of this article are entirely fictional and for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events, people, entities, or absurdly outdated laws is purely coincidental—or, at best, a reflection of the author's well-developed sense of irony. By reading this, you implicitly agree to forfeit all rights to common sense and logic in interpreting this article.