Ohio Town Bans Pineapple on Pizza: Long-Time Residents in Fury
In a move that has divided families, ended friendships, and reportedly sparked two divorces, the town of Sprinkleton has enacted a sweeping ban on pineapple as a pizza topping, citing “moral and culinary integrity.” What started as a heated debate on social media has spiraled into one of the most bizarre and chaotic events in recent history.
A Slice of Madness
The trouble began when local councilman Rick “Righteous Crust” Delaney introduced the “No Fruit on Dough Act,” claiming that pineapple on pizza was an “affront to Sprinkleton’s Italian-American heritage.” Delaney’s rants about “preserving the sanctity of the slice” went viral, gaining traction among purist pizza enthusiasts while enraging the town’s vocal pro-pineapple faction.
“This is about more than pizza,” Delaney declared during a town hall meeting. “This is about respect. If we let pineapple slide, what’s next? Strawberries? Mango chutney? CHAOS?”
The town council voted 4-3 in favor of the ban, effectively outlawing pineapple on all pizzas served in Sprinkleton. Enforcement began immediately, with undercover “pizza inspectors” raiding local pizzerias for contraband toppings.
Pineapple Panic in the Streets
The ban has sparked mass protests, with angry pineapple lovers marching through downtown wielding signs that read “FRUIT FREEDOM!” and “KEEP YOUR LAWS OFF MY PIZZA!” Meanwhile, anti-pineapple activists, calling themselves the “Sauce Squad,” have formed neighborhood watch groups to report any illegal toppings.
“This isn’t just a pizza war—it’s a culture war,” said Sprinkleton resident Linda Grimes, who hasn’t spoken to her pro-pineapple sister in weeks. “I caught my son sneaking Dole cans into the house like it was heroin. I don’t even know who we are anymore.”
Ohio Town Bans Pineapple on Pizza: Long-Time Residents in Fury
Underground Pizza Cartels Emerge
The black market for pineapple pizza has exploded overnight. Shady dealers are offering “Hawaiian specials” out of basements and back alleys. One pizzeria owner, speaking anonymously, revealed that customers now pay up to $50 for a single pineapple slice smuggled in under the guise of “extra cheese.”
“The risks are real,” the owner said. “Last week, I got busted. They confiscated my pineapples and fined me $1,000. But I can’t stop—it’s what the people want.”
Scary Consequences of Pizza Policing
Critics argue the ban has gone too far, with reports of police officers conducting “pineapple checkpoints” and raiding homes based on anonymous tips. One family claimed their backyard luau was interrupted by SWAT officers who mistook the festivities for a pineapple pizza operation.
“They kicked down the tiki torches and confiscated my grill,” sobbed local dad Greg Hastings. “It was just ham and pineapple kebabs! This isn’t America anymore.”
Nationwide Reactions
The Sprinkleton pineapple debacle has drawn national attention, with celebrities like Gordon Ramsay weighing in. Ramsay’s viral tweet—“Ban pineapple? Sprinkleton, you DONKEYS!”—has only fueled the controversy.
Meanwhile, conspiracy theories are running wild. Some claim the ban is secretly backed by Big Tomato to boost marinara sales, while others insist it’s a diversion from a looming pothole scandal involving the mayor.
What’s Next for Sprinkleton?
As the town teeters on the edge of civil war, experts warn that the pizza ban could have long-term consequences. “Sprinkleton’s tourism is toast,” said local economist Dan Crustfield. “Who wants to visit a town where your Hawaiian dreams are illegal?”
For now, the pineapple war rages on, proving one thing: nothing tears Americans apart quite like the contents of a pizza box.
Legal Disclaimer: The contents of this article are entirely fictional and for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events, people, entities, or absurdly outdated laws is purely coincidental—or, at best, a reflection of the author's well-developed sense of irony. By reading this, you implicitly agree to forfeit all rights to common sense and logic in interpreting this article.