U.S. Government Launches “You’re on Your Own” Program to Replace All Social Safety Nets with Selfies
In a shocking turn of events, the U.S. government has announced that it will replace all existing social safety nets with a new initiative called “The Selfie Safety Net.” In a press conference held earlier today, politicians unveiled plans to distribute smartphones to every American, encouraging them to solve their own problems — using nothing but selfies and hashtags.
“We’ve realized that government assistance isn’t as effective as just showing people how great they’re doing in life, even if their apartment is on fire,” said Congresswoman Laura Y. Johnson, grinning ear to ear as she took a selfie in front of a large PowerPoint screen reading: “Selfies > Safety Nets.”
The Selfie Revolution: Does a Picture Really Say a Thousand Dollars?
Under the new program, Americans will be encouraged to post a selfie each time they encounter a problem — whether it’s a flat tire, a medical emergency, or even a bear attack — with the hashtag #DoItForTheGram. The more “likes” and “shares” a person gets, the more likely they are to get access to essential resources like food, shelter, and basic medical care.
“It's simple,” Johnson continued. “If your selfie gets enough likes, you get free healthcare. If not, you get a coupon for a 99-cent Big Mac.”
Big Business: The Selfie Economy is Born
Major tech companies are already jumping on the bandwagon. Apple has announced a new “SelfieCare” subscription service that will charge users $9.99 a month for access to exclusive filters and self-affirming captions like “I’m thriving,” “Blessed,” and “Taking control of my life.”
Meanwhile, pharmaceutical companies are exploring “Prescription Filters” — a line of filters that make it look like you’re living your best life while masking the existential dread that accompanies your chronic illness. “Why see a doctor when you can just get a photo with a sunset filter and call it a day?” said Steve Jackson, CEO of SelfieMed.
U.S. Government Launches “You’re on Your Own’ Program to Replace All Social Safety Nets with Selfies
The Social Media Recession: Financial Freedom or Digital Disaster?
Of course, there are skeptics. Some argue that the program could lead to a complete collapse of society. “Sure, the selfies are fun now,” said economist Dr. Kimberly Schwartz. “But when people start posting pictures of their empty refrigerators with the caption ‘Struggling but smiling!’ we could be in trouble.”
But not everyone is worried. “I’m actually excited for this,” said 22-year-old influencer, Amanda Starr, who already makes $2,000 a week by posting pictures of her morning avocado toast. “This is the future! I’ve been preparing for this moment my whole life. Now I’m gonna be on the cover of Forbes.”
Citizens Weigh In: From Despair to Digital Bliss?
Not everyone is buying into the “Selfie Safety Net.” While many residents of urban areas are excited to participate, rural communities are more skeptical, with some even claiming that the initiative is “out of touch.”
“I don’t need a selfie to get my car fixed,” said Jack Harper, a farmer from Iowa, furiously scrolling through his phone to see if his tractor would get him more likes than his neighbor’s cow. “I need a damn mechanic.”
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