U.S. City Introduces “Mandatory Happiness Zones,” Fines Residents for Looking Depressed
In a move that’s been described as both “innovative” and “psychologically unhinged,” the city council of Gloomville has passed a controversial ordinance establishing Mandatory Happiness Zones in an effort to boost morale and tourism. Residents caught frowning, sighing, or looking generally glum in these designated areas will face fines up to $500—or worse, be sent to the “Smile Camp” for mandatory cheer training.
Sad Faces Not Welcome
The zones, marked by neon yellow signs reading “Happiness Only Beyond This Point,” have been installed in key tourist hotspots, including Gloomville’s historic downtown and the local park. City councilman Trent Grinsby, the bill’s author, explained, “We’re tired of Gloomville being a meme for sadness. If we’re going to put our town on the map, we need to look like we’re having fun—even if we’re not!”
But critics argue the new rules are downright dystopian. Resident Karen Mulberry was fined $200 for crying quietly at the bus stop after her cat passed away. “Apparently, grieving is illegal now?” she told reporters, holding up her citation. “The officer told me to ‘turn that frown upside down or pay up.’ It’s insane!”
Smile Camp Controversy
The most chilling aspect of the new policy is Smile Camp, a converted high school gymnasium where offenders are sent for “happiness rehabilitation.” Activities include forced karaoke, uncomfortably long group hugs, and hourly pep talks from hyper-enthusiastic camp counselors.
Former attendee Greg Patterson described his experience as “pure nightmare fuel.” “They made me sing ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ 47 times in a row while wearing a clown nose,” he said, shuddering. “By the end, I didn’t know if I was smiling because I was happy or because I’d been broken.”
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Officials Double Down
Despite public outcry, Mayor Linda Joy insists the program is working. “Fines are pouring in, and we’ve seen a 0.2% increase in tourist selfies on Instagram,” she announced during a recent press conference, while forcing a grin that made attendees visibly uncomfortable.
As Gloomville continues its bizarre experiment, experts warn the policy could backfire. “Forcing people to smile won’t solve their problems,” said Dr. Helen Bright, a clinical psychologist. “But it will definitely make them angrier—and probably creepier.”
For now, Gloomville residents are left practicing their best fake smiles, lest they become the next victim of the city’s happiness police. As one anonymous local put it, “Living here is like being in a dystopian rom-com—except there’s no happy ending.”
Legal Disclaimer: The contents of this article are entirely fictional and for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events, people, entities, or absurdly outdated laws is purely coincidental—or, at best, a reflection of the author's well-developed sense of irony. By reading this, you implicitly agree to forfeit all rights to common sense and logic in interpreting this article.