Free Cars for Everyone! But Don’t Park in the Sun or You’ll Die
In an attempt to revolutionize transportation and “give back to the community,” a major US car manufacturer has launched a jaw-dropping new initiative: free cars for all Americans. Yes, you read that right—walk into any participating dealership, sign some papers, and drive off in a brand-new, fully loaded sedan.
But there’s one tiny catch: if the outside temperature gets above 85°F, your car might spontaneously combust.
Too Hot to Handle? Literally.
Dubbed the "Boomerang Drive Program," the new initiative is part of the company's bold plan to combat climate change while promoting personal responsibility. Their logic? “If people are scared of their car blowing up, maybe they’ll take climate change seriously.”
However, the rollout hasn’t exactly gone as planned.
One recipient, Greg Thompson of Phoenix, Arizona, shared his experience:
“I was cruising down I-10, feeling like I just hit the lottery. Then it hit 86 degrees outside, and my dashboard started beeping with this message: ‘Goodbye, Greg.’ Next thing I know, the car’s a fireball, and I’m doing a tuck-and-roll out the driver’s side.”
Safety Features? Sort of.
While the cars are free, they come equipped with a “temperature-sensitive ignition override.” If the onboard system detects high heat, it locks the doors, starts blasting Barry Manilow’s “Looks Like We Made It” through the speakers, and gives the driver about 3 seconds to exit before it explodes.
Company representatives insist this feature is “an exciting and eco-conscious innovation.” Critics, however, are calling it “vehicular roulette.”
This US City Is Giving Free Cars To Everyone! But Don’t Drive It In The Sun Or You Will Die
The Fine Print
Buried in the program’s terms and conditions is a clause titled “Thermal Liability Agreement,” which reads:
Owners must park their vehicles in shaded areas or keep them refrigerated at all times.
All travel in hot climates is “strongly discouraged or you could instantly combust.”
Drivers assume full responsibility for any “unintentional combustion events.”
When asked if the cars were tested for safety, a company spokesperson shrugged and said, “We tested them in Antarctica. It was fine.”One terrified visitor said, “I woke up to them wearing my bathrobe, drinking coffee, and softly chanting ‘data is king.’”
Why This Program Exists
The car manufacturer claims that the initiative is part of a broader social experiment to raise awareness about global warming. CEO Mitch Burnham explained at a press conference:
“We’re giving people two things: free cars and a reason to care about rising temperatures. It’s a win-win, except for those who live in Florida, Texas, or basically anywhere south of Minnesota.”
Why This Program Exists
The car manufacturer claims that the initiative is part of a broader social experiment to raise awareness about global warming. CEO Mitch Burnham explained at a press conference:
“We’re giving people two things: free cars and a reason to care about rising temperatures. It’s a win-win, except for those who live in Florida, Texas, or basically anywhere south of Minnesota.”
Backlash and Lawsuits
Consumer advocacy groups are calling for an immediate halt to the program, citing safety concerns. But the carmaker has shrugged off the criticism, releasing a statement:
“If you can’t handle the heat, maybe you don’t deserve a free car.”
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) has launched an investigation, though sources say officials are “too scared to drive the test models.”
What’s Next?
Rumors suggest the company is working on a second generation of “climate-conscious” vehicles that will come with built-in air conditioners to prevent overheating. The twist? The air conditioner is powered by passengers pedaling a stationary bike in the back seat.
For now, Americans face a fiery choice: take the free car and risk becoming a human torch, or keep paying for gas and insurance like a sucker.
Would you take the risk? Or are you smart enough to stick with public transportation, where the only explosions are metaphorical?
Legal Disclaimer: The contents of this article are entirely fictional and for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events, people, entities, or absurdly outdated laws is purely coincidental—or, at best, a reflection of the author's well-developed sense of irony. By reading this, you implicitly agree to forfeit all rights to common sense and logic in interpreting this article.