The Mayor of Naples, Florida, Thomas “Tommy Salami” Delaney, was caught drunkenly terrorizing the ritzy town in a hot pink golf cart dressed as a flamingo screaming "Do you know who I am? I’m the jolly golly good time Naples mayor! Hee-haw!" The spectacle unfolded along upscale 5th Avenue South, where diners tourists found themselves dodging a man who looked like a crazy, deranged mascot.

Dubbed “The Golden Shower Scandal,” a prominent American female politician became the target of an shocking protest during a dinner at an exclusive Palm Beach restaurant. Armed with nothing but fury and a full bladder, an angry voter allegedly beelined for the politician’s table proceeding to douse her in his own, fresh urine, in what diners at first mistook for an avant-garde champagne pour.

Florida has passed an emergency law banning pornography, citing “moral decay” to protect American “family values.” The law, titled “The Wipe My Screen & Keyboard Clean Act,” has sparked outrage and confusion. However, critics are questioning the sudden pivot to Puritanism, especially given the state’s colorful political history of porking prostitutes. What’s next? Banning bikinis on South Beach?

In a headline ripped straight from a horror movie, Miami residents were sent into a frenzy after reports of “zombie alligators” roaming the beaches began flooding social media. The phenomenon, which locals have dubbed Gatorgeddon, has left authorities baffled, tourists terrified, and Floridians... mildly amused. Some believe the gators are feasting on meth-laced water from a drug dump gone wrong.