BREAKING: Politicians Finally Agree on Something, But It’s Terrifying
In an unprecedented moment of unity, both Republicans and Democrats have come together to pass a new piece of legislation, and it has left the American public deeply unsettled. The bill, titled the "Mandatory Social Media Transparency Act" (or M-SMTA for short), requires all U.S. citizens to upload their entire internet search history to a public database.
Yes, you read that correctly. Starting next month, your deepest, darkest Google queries will be just a click away for your neighbors, coworkers, and that one person who always overshares in the group chat.
“This Is About Trust”
“Americans deserve to know who they’re living next to,” said Senator Patricia Horn (D-CA), the bill’s co-sponsor, during a press conference. “If you’re Googling ‘Do pigeons have feelings?’ or ‘How to fake my own death,’ people have the right to know.”
Senator Glenn Wainwright (R-TX) added, “This bill isn’t about privacy; it’s about accountability. What are you hiding? Why don’t you want people to know you’ve been searching for...ahem...‘how to cook chicken in the dishwasher’?”
The Public Reaction
The response from the public has been swift and chaotic. “This is an invasion of privacy!” screamed thousands of social media users. Ironically, their outrage has led to a surge in Google searches like:
“How to delete my search history permanently.”
“VPNs that don’t snitch.”
“Can I go to jail for googling weird stuff?”
Others, however, are leaning into the absurdity. TikTok users have started a viral trend called the “Search History Flex Challenge,” where they proudly share their most bizarre searches. One participant gained 5 million views for posting, “Why does my cat judge me?”
BREAKING: Politicians Finally Agree on Something, But It’s Terrifying
Experts Are Alarmed
Cybersecurity professionals are warning that this database could become a goldmine for hackers and blackmailers. Dr. Lynn Parsons, a privacy expert, said, “Imagine a world where your ex can look up how many times you googled their new partner. That’s not transparency—it’s a recipe for societal collapse.”
But the politicians remain undeterred. “If you’re worried about people seeing your search history, maybe you shouldn’t be Googling embarrassing things,” Senator Wainwright quipped.
The Conspiracy Theories Begin
Naturally, conspiracy theorists are having a field day. Some believe the bill is a government ploy to distract from alien landings, while others think it’s a secret partnership with Google to sell targeted ads for anxiety medication.
Ellen Jones, banned from most platforms but still shouting into a megaphone somewhere, declared, “This is the first step toward the New World Order! Soon they’ll be microchipping your thoughts and selling them to Starbucks!”
What’s Next?
While many Americans are deleting their digital footprints, others are preparing to weaponize the chaos. “If I’m going down, I’m taking everyone with me,” tweeted one user, who then began googling ridiculous phrases like “politicians who look like eggs” and “is the moon a hologram?”
For now, the Mandatory Social Media Transparency Act looms as a darkly hilarious warning of what happens when politicians agree on something: they make everything worse.
So, clean up your search history, America. Or don’t. Either way, your browser is about to become your worst enemy.
Legal Disclaimer: The contents of this article are entirely fictional and for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events, people, entities, or absurdly outdated laws is purely coincidental—or, at best, a reflection of the author's well-developed sense of irony. By reading this, you implicitly agree to forfeit all rights to common sense and logic in interpreting this article.